


Stuck with Kids

by Goldfish_In_Space



Series: Stuck with Kids [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Children, M/M, Other, Post-Sburb, Pregnancy, Slice of Life, Trolls, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-01
Updated: 2011-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-22 02:02:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldfish_In_Space/pseuds/Goldfish_In_Space





	Stuck with Kids

He didn’t want to go to his fucking surprise party. That flowery bastard Eridan had convinced that smug bastard Equius to hold it at his shitty West Van apartment, and it was supposed to be a fucking surprise. God his friends were idiots. John had been bouncing around all day, and had even gone as far as to say that he had planned something for them after work, but hadn’t actually told him what it was. Infuriating. As John tried to coax him out of the door, he decided he had had enough of this shit.

“Egbert,” he said, “I don’t want to go to this stupid party.”

“What?” said John, “How do you know about that?”

“Come on Egbert, what kind of fuckwit tells Gamzee a secret?”

“Oh...Gamzee told you...Come on, Karkat- everyone put a lot of effort into this.”

“No.”

“It’s your Citizenship party- please?”

“No.”

“Sollux and Terezi will be there.”

“No.”

“Eridan is bringing his wii.”

“That’s disgusting. No.”

“Kanaya and Rose made snacks.”

“...What kind of snacks?”

“I dunno! We’ll have to go to find out! I’ll get our coats.”

“If they didn’t make deviled eggs, I’ll gut Eridan with his stupid wiimote.”

He thought about deviled eggs with paprika as they waited for the bus in the pissing rain. Fuck the bus. Even if it was less expensive than having a car, it was more public. Fuck the public, too. Their staring eyes could take a break and Karkat wouldn’t mind. He had lived here for almost seven years- you think people would get used to it. He guessed he had it easier than some of the others, though. Grey skin actually might not be the strangest thing you see on the streets of Vancouver, but grey skin, yellow eyes, horns and fucking fangs all at once? No one looked him in the eyes. No one fucked with you either.

John talked to the driver as they rode the bus. He knew most of their names somehow, and by absorption the drivers ended up knowing Karkat.

“Congrats on finally getting citizenship!” chimed the driver as they got off the bus.

He looked up.

“Uh...”

The bus rolled away before he had anything to say. Now in West Van in the pissing rain, they walked up to the buzzer on Equius’ and Nepeta’s apartment. Nepeta answered the buzzer, and with a squeal of “John!” and “Karkitty!” before she let them in. Nine fucking floors up. Why would anyone want to live that high up? Shouldn’t a surprise party be held somewhere... surprising? Well, you’d think so. Think of the deviled eggs and get through it. Maybe there would be olives. Maybe Eridan would have mysteriously dropped off the face of existence. Maybe he would throw Eridans stupid game system out the window and watch it fall nine floors to it’s death. It would crunch on the pavement. Eridan would throw a stupid fit and Karkat would refuse to pay him back for it, because it was his own fucking fault for not seeing that coming. Fuck you, Eridan, and fuck you, WiiSports.

Deviled eggs.

“See Karkat?” said John as they waited in the elevator, “You’re smiling already. It’ll be fun!”

“Mph.”

The carpet in the halls tried too hard to be luxurious. You could probably go over it with a push-mower, and improve it. At least it didn’t smell of pot. They had perfume shit and whiny neighbours to take care of that, because this was fucking West Vancouver. Pretentious assholes. No wonder Equius liked it here. Same shit, more expensive.

You didn’t actually need to know the door number of their apartment. It was the one with the dented handle. Fail safe way to find Equius- where’s the damage? That’s the one. He braced himself for the horror of actually entering their creepy apartment.

Nepeta let them in when John knocked, and predictably everyone except Dave jumped out from behind the living room wall to yell surprise. It almost distracted him from the fact that almost every surface of the apartment was metallic. It looked like shitty Earth Sci-Fi, and in bright light must have been blinding. He wondered if it was shameful for Equius to have to either make his own space-furnishings, or have things custom made so he wouldn’t just break it all. Probably.

“Congratulations, Karkat.” Equius said, “let us engage in a jockular bro-hug of-”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to touch me.”

John shot him a look. After relenting to a handshake, he went to be greeted by the others. He accepted a fist bunp from Dave in the kitchen, and grumbled hello to everyone else in the living room. He gave a start when Vriska walked out of the washroom, and another when she came over to shake his hand.

“Well, congrats. Our glorious leader is finally a Canadian citizen. It only took you what... almost... five sweeps?”

“Don’t you have small animals to be torturing or something?”

“Oh, you’re just full of amazing ideas, glorious leader. Hey! Tavros! It’s been a while.”

He winced as she walked over and interfered with Tavros’ and Eridan’s game of Wii bowling. It was always a disaster to have everyone in one place. No one ever listened to reason. His reason, especially. He tugged at his fingers as Terezi stepped in and dragged Vriska off Eridan and Tavros. Her cane swung around once, and Vriska sulked off to the couch to eat popcorn with Gamzee.

“”It is not that bad.”

He turned to find Kanaya behind him, with a plate of deviled eggs. He scooped up three and didn’t answer.

“You should not worry about them.”

“Did I say I was worrying about them? Cause I don’t remember saying I was. I don’t even remember telling you how stupid they are. Which is really fucking stupid.”

“I see.”

“Don’t look at me like that. They’re idiots and I’m not worried about their fucking well being. See how easily that was handled? Not my problem. Why the fuck would it be my problem?”

“You are being more defensive than usual, Karkat. You are not getting sick, are you?”

“I dunno. I’ve been tired and hungry all the time lately. I’m going to shank a baby in front of Eridan if I’m sick. I get stuck with fucking needles enough already.”

“Perhaps you should see the doctor, anyway.”

“I hate that bastard.”

“Who’s sick?”

Terezi waltzed up as Karkat ate a fourth deviled egg. She took a huff of air around him.

“You smell off, Karkat.”

“KK’th thick?”

Sollux had stopped sulking in the shadows and come up to them. He ignored a glare from Karkat and took a deviled egg.

“I’m not fucking sick.”

“You don’t smell right, Karkat.”

“Yes, perhaps you should report it to the doctor.”

“They’ll freak out if you’re thick and don’t tell them, KK.”

“Yeah, might wanna do that.”

“I’m not fucking sick!”

“Jutht go in, KK. They’ll probably jutht give you iron tabletth or thomething.”

“I hate that shitty needle-ridden hole he calls an office, I hate his shit licking fake smile and shakey fucking grabby monkey hands and I’m not fucking going to that fucking doctor just because you mongoloid fuckasses have bees in your fucking bonnets!”

“Well, that outburst was rather normal for you, Karkat. Perhaps you are not really sick.”

“He still smells off.”

“I fucking implore you to tell me what’s wrong with me, Terezi. Fucking. Implore. You.”

She sniffed again.

“It’s too early to tell.”

“Fucking help you are.”

Equius had been making pointed looks at the group since the first deviled egg, and then he joined them.

“Karkat, this is indeed a party held on your behalf, but I cannot abide such lewd language in my home.”

“Eat shit, fuckass. Then towel off.”

“Karkat, that was unnecessary.”

Kanaya took him by the wrist.

“We are going to sit for a while.”

“I’m not-”

She led him to the couch, where Gamzee, having finished the popcorn, had fallen asleep sitting up. Vriska had long moved on. As they sat down, he lolled his head to the side and opened his eyes.

“Hey, best friend.”

His clown makeup was smudged where he had been leaning on the couch. Just as much makeup was on the couch as his face now. Later, Equius would have a fit. Awesome. Mission fucking accomplished.

John and Rose had been talking in the ‘foyer’, and seeing he and Kanaya on the couch wandered over. John wedged himself in the space between Gamzee and Karkat, taking his hand. Sneaking his other hand behind Karkat’s back, he wrapped him in a hug while Rose sat on the edge of the couch next to Kanaya.

“Hi Karkat” John said, resting his head on Karkat’s shoulder, “How are you doing?”

“Fucking Amazing.”

John yawned.

“I told you it would be fun. You made deviled eggs, didn’t you Kanaya?”

She leaned over from talking with Rose to answer.

“Yes. Karkat ate them all.”

“You make good eggs, I guess.” he laughed, “Did anyone else get any?”

“Sollux had one.”

“How do you scream with food in your mouth, Karkat? How does that even work?”

“Dunno,” Gamzee cut in, “but little buddy here was screaming about being sick.”

“I’m not sick.” growled Karkat.

“Whatever you say, best friend.”

“I’ll book you an appointment with Dr. Austin tomorrow.”

“I can book my own appointments.”

John yawned again.

“But you won’t. I’ll do it.”

“Did you work today, John?” asked Rose, “What time did you get up this morning?”

“Uh... about five thirty. We needed some sunrise shots. It wasn’t so rainy that early so we got a few. But I’ll probably get called in for another one of these in a few days if the rain clears up for real.”

“You were shooting some night footage in the city recently, weren't you?”

“Yeah, last night.”

“Assholes.” muttered Karkat.

“Maybe you are just tired because the both of you have inconsistent work hours.” said Kanaya.

“Yeah. It’s probably that. No fucking doctor’s appointment needed for that.”

“Okay then,” said John, “You have three days to get better before I book you an appointment.”

“I’m not going anywhere but home.”

“What time is it anyway, Rose?”

“Quarter to eleven.”

“You have only been here an hour and a half.”

“I said I’d come. I never promised I would stay.”

John yawned again.

“I wouldn’t mind going home.”

“Great!” said Karkat, “I’ll get our coats!”

He jumped off the couch and almost fell over. Steadying himself, he made a beeline to the closet. Standing beside the closet, he took a deep breath before opening it. He put his hand on the wall and leaned into it, and almost spewed deviled eggs on the floor as Nepeta pounced him.

“Karkitty! You’re leaving so soon? And John?”

“Uh...yeah.”

“Awh! Why?”

“John has been up since five and I am going to ruin your carpet if we stay, Nepeta. Just let the fuck go of me so I can go home.”

Her lips turned downwards.

“At least say goodbye to everyone?”

“Will that make you let go of me?”

“Okay!”

“Fuuuuuck... fine. I’ll say goodbye, but if you... bluh. Never mind. Just let me the fuck go.”

Karkat staggered back into the living room with his and John’s coats. John had got up from the couch and was saying goodbye to Terezi, who patted him on the shoulder and snickered. Turning to Karkat, she grinned.

“Have a good niiiiiight.”

The two of them swam through the mess of goodbyes and out into the miraculously pot-free hallway, where John led him into the elevator. The motion of it made his stomach lift and cramp, but John leaned into him, steadying. Another steady heartbeat, holding him together. John sighed, and nuzzled his cheek against Karkat’s shoulder. He yawned into his chest.

“Wow, am I ever tired.”

Karkat put his arms around the man as he leaned against the side of the elevator. Resting the back of his head against it as well, he breathed deeply and asked,

“What did Terezi say to you?”

“She said you were going to ‘puke your little red guts out’ and that I should book you an appointment with Dr. Austin.”

“That meddling sniff-witch.”

“Is she right?”

“No.”

“Huh.”

The rain had stopped for the moment. Somehow breathing the chill air into his lungs settled Karkat’s stomach as they waited for the bus. The motion of it wasn’t horrible, either. The methodical buzz of the engine almost rocked him to sleep between lurching pulls to the curb to pick up passengers. The bus wasn’t a sardine can later at night, but there were enough staring eyes to make Karkat wish he could set people on fire with his mind. Sollux style. Pew-pew! Everyone’s dead.

Someone walked on the bus that detracted attention from Karkat. John kept telling him it was politically incorrect to call them ‘midgets’, but fuck- what else where you supposed to call them? They had that waddling little walk and dwarfed human characteristics...apparently dwarf was also offensive. He thought he would prefer to be called a dwarf than a ‘little person’. What the fuck. Humans could just have the biggest sticks up their asses in public. Then they called them midgets or whatever the fuck in private anyway. It was like everyone was Vriska. God damn.

The ‘little person’ waited for the driver to lower the step on the bus before getting in. He looked around, frizzy hair flying in all directions, and walked up to the end of the reserved seating before lifting himself into one of them. Karkat and John sat in the enclosed seats behind and across from him. The smell hit Karkat like a hammer. He had never minded human sweat particularly, but the smothering, invasive scent of unwashed orifices clutched his stomach and shook it. John wrinkled his nose, but didn’t say anything.

How many things could a troll do at once? Not breathe, not puke, sit still, don’t die, not murder everyone on the bus... three out of five? He clutched John tighter. Just four more stops.

“Karkat, that’s starting to hurt... are you okay?”

He didn’t answer. If he opened his mouth, he would hurk chunks all over the bus. What he needed now was more attention. Yeah.

“You look a little flushed.”

No shit.

“Are you okay?”

Why was this happening to him?

“Karkat?”

The bus pulled up to the next stop and Karkat dashed to the door. Struggling not to hit it, he waited for the light to turn green and for the door to whoosh open onto the sidewalk. Breaking into a run, he made his way down the hill.

Oh god, running made it worse.

Lurching to a stop didn’t help, either. Doubling over on the sidewalk, he let John catch up to him.

“Karkat?”

“Joh-”

He leaned over and puked on the sidewalk.

“Oh no. I guess Terezi was right.”

He wiped his mouth and tried not to make eye contact with the surly mess he had made on the pavement.

“John, just don’t. Just shut up. Please.”

“Are you gunna make it home?”

“No.”

“It’s four blocks.”

“I know.”

Using John as a crutch, they made their way the rest of the way across the hill. Karkat made another mess in the bushes outside their apartment as John fumbled for his keys. Then it was a toss up. Three flights of stairs, or risk the elevator? No contest- he was sleeping in the lobby tonight.

“I’m not doing this.” he said.

“Come on, Karkat. You can make it. I bet you don’t even have anything left to puke up by now. Lets go.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

John looked him up and down, then bit his lip.

“I could make you.”

“Try it, Skylark.”

“Well, alright.” said John as he advanced on his partner, “But no yelling or we’ll get noise complaints, okay?”

“Don’t you fucking touch me, Egbert. I mean iiiiit!”

On the last word, John scooped him up in his arms. Heading towards the elevator he stopped.

“Why don’t you push the button? My hands are full.”

“Put me down.”

“I bet pushing the button wouldn’t make you puke.”

“Put me the fuck down.”

“Karkat, look at me.”

He turned his head in time for one of the lightest kisses, before John put him back on his feet. Holding him close, John kissed him again.

“You can make it up three floors and into bed, okay? I’ll call the doctor in the morning and we’re going to get you sorted out so we don’t all end up in quarantine again.”

“I can... call my own... doctor.” he said, into John’s neck.

“But you won’t.” said John, “So I’ll do it.”

***

Karkat was up before him- first banging around in the kitchen and then scrambling to the bathroom. Dave had once called the toilette a ‘porcelain telephone’ when he had a bad flu. John had thought it was funny, then, but now he wasn’t so sure. Another bang made him reach for his glasses as Casey came hurtling into the bedroom and buried herself under the bed. He rolled over. Leaning over the side of the bed, he saw her yellow tail poking out between a pair of shoes and some book Karkat had been reading.

“Casey, come out of there.”

“Blup.”

“No.”

He reached under the bed to find Casey’s head. Corralling her out from under the bed was tricky, but eventually worked. John lifted her onto the bed where she sat, quivering.

“What did he do to you?”

She blew a spit bubble at him.

“Well, that’s not very nice, but he’s sick right now. He’s not very good at understanding you even when he isn’t sick. I’m sure he didn’t mean to.”

She blew another bubble.

“Everyone’s hungry this morning, aren’t they?”

He put Casey back on the floor before getting up. Stretching his shoulders, he raided his drawers for a pair of boxers. Casey was waiting for him in the hall with her bowl clutched in her hands.

“Milk is bad for you. You get crickets today.”

“Blup blup.”

“Only if we go to the park tomorrow. I need to be at work later today.”

“Blup.”

“Take the fanny-pack after breakfast.”

Casey dragged a child’s stool across the floor and up to a tank tucked between the wall and the kitchen counter. Opening the lid, she used the bowl to scoop up crickets. Some of them stayed in the bowl, while others shot all over the kitchen floor. Putting the lid back on the tank, Casey picked up the ones in the bowl and stuffed them in her mouth, before chasing after the rest.

“Why the hell is there a hopper on my foot?”

John turned to see Karkat standing raggedly in kitchen entrance as Casey recovered the cricket from his foot.

“Just Casey’s breakfast. How are you this morning?”

“Awesome. Just fucking awesome.”

“Still sick, huh?”

“No, I’m fucking dandy.”

“Dr. Austin’s number is by the phone.”

“I know. It’s normal for a human sickness to make you wake up starving, but then twenty minutes later have to reject all sustenance, right?”

“It kind of sounds like the flu. Do you have a fever?”

“Not really.”

“Hm.”

John handed him the phone. Karkat took it and held it sulkily at his side before dialing the number.

“Hello?”, he said as he walked out of the room, “This is Karkat Vantas... I’d... like to make an appointment with Dr. Austin...”

John sighed. Quarantine hadn’t been fun, and the moment anyone else showed the slightest signs of being sick, that’s where they’d all end up again. And what if it was something serious? Human bugs mutated to affect trolls and then back again sounded like a media nightmare worse than SARS and Anthrax put together. As much as he owed to the media and the public, no one was ready to face that kind of thing a second time. Especially Karkat. He tried to unknot his stomach as he opened the fridge. Please let it just be the flu. Something small. Please be inconsequential. Please.

“Blup?”

“I already said no, Casey. We’re out of milk, anyway.”

John closed the fridge and sat at the kitchen table to look at the salamander. Karkat stalked back into the room and put the phone down as John picked Casey up and put her on his knee. She blew a spit bubble at him.

“You have an appointment?”

“Today.”

“When?”

“Hour and a half.”

“Wow! We should get going, then.”

“You’re coming?”

“Yeah! Why wouldn’t we?”

Karkat’s face soured.

“Just...”

“Come on Karkat- someone to sit on the bus with.”

“Fff-Fine.”

“It’s... nine thirty? Yeah. Okay! An hour and a half... need to be at work at five... We can do this. Lets go!”

“Bluuuuh, come on John, just-”

“Nuh-uh! We’re going!”

John put Casey down and booked it back to the bedroom. Throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt he rushed back out into the kitchen.

“Oops, forgot socks!”

Karkat grumbled at him and went to get dressed himself. He pulled on a pair of pants as John sat on the bed putting on his socks.

“Why are you so excited about this?”

“I want you to get better.”

“And for everyone to stay out of quarantine and the news.”

“...that would also be a good thing.”

“Eridan is writhing in jealousy that he’s not the one dying of a stupid human sickness.”

“Don’t be like that, Karkat. I care about you. Your friends do, too. And you’re not dying!”

“You don’t know that. Nobody knows that. That’s why we have this special douchebag doctor and his shitty bi-annual probing sessions.”

“Hey, he’s my doctor too.”

“And that’s because you spend all this time around me, touching me and all that other shit that gets you fucking infested with troll germs and whatnot- when it’s really all in their shitty ass-hungry heads that I’m a fucking pandemic waiting to just spew my viral death sentence on all of the fucking ignoramus population of earth!”

“Karkat-”

“No, really! It’s okay. I fucking love being a test animal! It’s fucking peachy!”

“Karkat-”

“The best part is that if it’s serious, what fucking human medicine actually works? Do you remember when they tried to give me Gravol? Wow, that was sure fucking fun. Asprin? Holy shit! Hearing fucking colours! At least I wasn’t in pain anymore! If I’m fucking sick there’s nothing these shit-licking douchebags could even do for me so I don’t know why I fucking bother cooperating! I-”

John put his hand over Karkat’s mouth.

“Hey, don’t bite me. Just calm down.”

He put his arm around the troll. Leaning into him, Karkat collapsed and quietly gripped John’s shirt.

“You’re going to be okay.”

“I’m going to fucking die and drag everyone else down with me.”

“I... don’t think you will.”

“John, what the fuck do you know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Exactly.”

The bus ride to the doctor’s office was quiet. Karkat spent it with his face buried into John’s shoulder. He guessed he was trying not to be noticed. It almost worked- it was kind of hard to miss the trolls as they went by, but being half hidden in coats and his shoulder probably helped. He didn’t seem so nauseous anymore. That was good.

There was no puking on the entire trip there. John had his doubts about the seabus, but Karkat made it though that, and then the skytrain and even walking the rest of the way to the medical centre and the elevator up to the office. He blanched as they entered the office, though. The secretary called him by his first name.

“Hello, Karkat-” she nodded at them, “John. Just wait a few minutes. Dr. Austin will be right with you.”

“We could have at least been late.” grumbled Karkat.

“No we couldn’t have.” said John into his ear.

He bristled at that, but didn’t say anything. They sat down in the waiting room as Dr. Austin walked out of one of the rooms and said goodbye to one of his patients. Leaning over the desk he patted his patient on the shoulder before letting him walk out. He talked with the Secretary for a moment before looking at a clipboard behind the front desk. Walking over to the computer he bent over to type something. Then straightening up he checked his clipboard again and walked into the waiting room.

“Karkat?”

“I’m the only fucking Troll in the room, aren’t I?”

“Ah.”

The doctor’s lip curled just a fraction.

“Well, why don’t you fill out this form while we get room two ready for you.”

Karkat grumbled as he borrowed a pen to fill out the form. Gnawing it’s end, he ticked the boxes and wrote down things against the front desk- waiting. The doctor led him into the room and he gave John one last glance before he followed. John picked up a magazine, but didn’t have time to flip to the third page when the doctor closed the door of Karkat’s room and still carrying his patient information chart, sat beside John.

“Is i-ah, he actually sick?”

John looked up from the magazine.

“Well, he was puking.”

The doctor looked at his chart.

“Licorice?”

“He doesn’t even like licorice- so it’s not like he would eat any. I’ve been with him, anyways. No fennel or anything either. He just started to puke the other night. Why aren’t you asking him this?”

His lip curled again as he spoke,

“He’s not an easy patient, you know. I’m just trying to make things go quicker.”

“It’s still kind of unprofessional, isn’t it? I thought that everything was between the doctor and the patient. This is kind of breaking the rules, isn’t it?”

He stiffened.

“I take doctor-patient confidentiality very seriously, but in some cases-”

“He’s not my child, so I’m not sure how anything really applies. He can tell you better than I could, anyway.”

“Of course, Mr. Egbert. Thank you.”

John watched him stalk back into the exam room and went back to the magazine. He looked up when Karkat’s voice sounded though the doors, but stayed where he was. When he came walking out of the room, rubbing his arm, John got up.

“How’d it go?”

“They took some fucking blood with their shitty piece of crap needles, just like I told you they would.”

“You were right Karkat- congratulations. When do we get results?”

“Five days.”

“Okay, I guess we’ll be back here then.”

“Yeah. Yay.”

***

“My hormone levels are whating?”

“Fluctuating.” said Dr. Austin.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Well, it means that they’re going up and down- in this case in greater amounts than they usually would.”

“No shit! Just... what does that actually mean for me you vile wad of shit?”

“Well,” he snorted again, “With humanity’s limited knowledge of the biology of your species, I can only draw parallels. I suspect it’s pregnancy.”

“You suspect it’s what?”

“Pregnancy.”

“But- what does- how, I... what?”

“Congratulations Mr. Vantas. I want you to check in every few weeks and we can keep on top of this little miracle, if that indeed is what it is. You can make an appointment with Melissa as you leave.”

The douchebag collected his clip board from the sink counter in the exam room and walked out the door. Karkat sat on the roll out sanitary paper on the bed, and stared at the wall.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuck.

And... what?

Was this even possible? Would Kanaya know? If anyone knew, it would be Kanaya, right? There was that shit with the matriorb and... what?

But he was- this was...This was just... stupid.

He told himself that Austin was a moron as he walked out the door. A fucking moron. Trolls didn’t do that live birth thing that humans did. They were a doomed species- with no mother grub and no drones to keep her alive, they were the last of their kind. When they died there would be no more. It was that simple.

Why was he puking? Not this reason. Maybe he was carrying the death of the human race inside his veins- it would serve the stupid fuckers like Austin right. His thoughts stalled on John- John was human- before moving on to Dr. Austin’s horrible death at the hands of his self-mutated disease. Heh. Maybe it would melt his face off or something. Like leprosy. Space-leprosy.

But he wasn’t pregnant. Even by human standards this was a stretch of the imagination. This would all be really funny later, when he told Kanaya and Sollux. Right after he puked in someone’s flowerbed. Oh God, why was this his life?

John was out when he got home and the apartment was dark except for the fading light coming through the blinds. Flicking the switch, he saw Casey in the kitchen, wide eyed, with a glass of milk clutched in her hands.

“Seriously?” he said, “What the fuck, Casey. What the fuck. Put that away.”

“Blup.”

“I have no fucking clue what that means, but John says you can’t have milk, so you can’t have milk. Put the cow piss away. Right. Now.”

He left her blinking in the new light. Finding his way to the couch, he sat down and lay his head against the cushion's, and suddenly it was fully dark and John was letting himself in with a jangle of keys at the door.

“Oh,” he said as he walked in, “did you wait up?”

“Uh...”

“Blup.”

Casey uncurled from her bed in the corner.

“Weird.” said John, “Are you feeling okay, Karkat?”

“I swear to god, that sound didn’t mean anything- I’m fine.”

“She said you fell asleep on the couch.”

“So?”

“So are you okay? What did Austin say?”

“He said he was an asshole.”

“About you.”

“Nothing we need to worry about.”

John yawned.

“That’s good, but what did he say?”

“He tried not to laugh snot out his nose as he told me I was pregnant.”

“Come on, Karkat- what did he really say?”

“That was it.”

“Huh”

“It was.”

“Are you coming to bed?”

John stood in the entrance way, leaning against the frame with a hand to cover another yawn. The kitchen light hadn’t been turned off, so he cast stark shadows in false silhouette on the floor that reached to Karkat’s feet.

“Because I’m going to bed.”

Karkat moved his foot into the shadow of John’s head as he got up.

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

“You’re not really pregnant, are you?”

“Fuck no.”

“Would Kanaya-”

“Kanaya will tell you just the same as I am telling you that it’s not fucking possible we’re a dead species forever, okay? I thought we were going to bed.”

“Yeah, okay.”

He kissed Karkat on the forehead before he walked down the hall to bed.

***

An air horn went off beside his head, sending him three feet into the air before he landed in a tangled mess of blankets on the floor.

“Shit, brother.”

He reached for his phone. It wasn’t on the side of the bed he had fallen off of. Pulling himself to his knees, he saw it still going off beside the pillow on the far side of the bed. Now he could reach it. That soup can picture flashed on the screen with ‘you have received a text message from KAN’ underneath it. he rubbed his eyes and then clicked ‘okay’.

“Gamzee We Require Your Help Calming Karkat Down Could You Come Over Now? If You Can Come Please Bring Her”

“SuRe SiStEr IlL bE oVeR sOoN”

He stretched his face wide in a yawn. Getting up, he thought about clothes before pulling on a pair of pants lying on the floor and making his way to the kitchen. A box of cereal was already out on the counter, so he took a bowl from the sink and poured some in. Moving the didgeridoo, he opened the fridge for milk. Sniffed it. It was still good. On the cereal it went. He took an ocarina out of the cutlery drawer and put it on the table before grabbing a spoon and eating his cereal.

Cleaning up might be an idea, but after he dealt with whatever was going on with Karkat. Twiddling a bamboo flute in his fingers, he packed his bag and headed for the door. You couldn’t really lock up a unicycle, so it lay beside his shoes. He carried it down the steps before jumping on and heading for the train station. Just down the street- still he spread his arms eagle as he rode, and twenty minutes and a skytrain ride later he let himself into Rose and Kanaya’s side suite.

“Knocking is customary, you know.” said Rose from the kitchen.

“I’m not from here, sister.”

“Naturalization only takes five years, so yes you are.”

“Where’s our little buddy?”

“He is dying of screaming-asphyxiation in the sitting room. Take off your shoes.”

“Don’t hear him.”

“Then you’re too late.”

“Shit, brother.” he said as he walked into the living room.

Karkat was still mouthing words as he stared at the wall from his seat. John sat beside him, equally silent.

“Oh, and John is in a bliss-coma.” said Rose, joining them with a pot of tea, “Kanaya will be back soon, she’s just making peace with the landlady.”

“So you told him, huh?”

“Well he had to be told.”

“Yeah.”

“I thought everyone knew, but I suppose not.”

“You fuckers stop talking about me like I’m not here, and John, stop making that face.”

“Hey best friend.”

He sat down beside John and Karkat and put his backpack on his knees.

“Congrats.”

“This is not a fucking celebration! John! Stop making that fucking face!”

“It’s a motherfucking miracle.”

“Don’t you start with your miracles, you psychotic fuck! John stop making that face!”

“Trust him, Karkat.” said Rose, “It’s the motherfucking miracle of life.”

“What the fuck would either of you know about that John stop making that face right now!”

“This.” said Gamzee.

He pulled an off-white bundle out of his bag, and it took a second for everyone to understand what it was. It wasn’t like what a human usually thought of as ‘egg’. It took more after an insect, or shark egg than that. Creamy white, it was soft- almost leathery- and it fit perfectly in the crook of Gamzee’s arm.

“See, Karkat? Motherfucking miracles.”

“Is that- how did you- Gamzee-” started Karkat before John literally jumped off the couch.

“Oh my god!” he said, “Is that yours? It’s an egg? Will it hatch? Will Karkat lay an egg like that? Can I hold it? Have you named it? Will ours be like this? They can be friends! We have to organise play-dates. Oh wow, we should probably start making some room, too. How can you tell if it will be a boy or a girl? And some leave from work and-”

“John, shut the fuck up and that face is even worse!”

John stood there on the floor, almost vibrating.

“This is real, Karkat. Really real. It’s real.”

“No thanks to you, fuckass.”

“I think,” said Rose, “it’s apparent which one of the two of you is the fuckedass here.”

“Rose, you’re so fucking clever I might just shit myself.”

“You’re welcome.”

They continued to argue as John found himself sitting on the floor next to Gamzee.

“You can hold her if you like, brother.”

“How do you know it’s a girl?” said John as he took the egg from Gamzee’s arms. He cradled it in his own, eyes wide.

“Miracles.”

“Oh...oh, she’s super soft. Not like I thought an egg would feel like at all.”

“Yeah, I was all surprised about her already, but now things are cool.”

“Huh. Have you thought of a name?”

“Not yet.”

“Huh... huh.”

“You got your own wriggler to deal with soon.”

“Yeah... I thought Karkat said you guys couldn’t reproduce anymore... what happened to that?”

“Aw, come on, brother. Do you have to know how it all works all the time? Leave some magic in it.”

“Oh. Will Kanaya know?”

“Yeah. Kan knows all about symbiotic whazzits between somethings or whatever it was she told me. Her lusus was a mother grub, you know? I guess she learned it all from her. Kinda... different that these guys’ll be raised all humany. Parents and stuff- no lusi. Weird. Maybe better.”

“Um...”

“Yeah. Maybe you want to calm Karkat down.”

“Huh? Oh!”

Rose was standing on one of the sofa’s with a broom, cackling, keeping Karkat at bay.

“And you can name her Lorelei! And I will purchase so many dolls!”

“No wriggler of mine will play with fucking dolls!”

Rose took another swipe at him as he tried to close in, forcing him to jump back.

“Action figures, then! Men in tights!”

“You guys!” said John, “Stop that! Come on, guys. Put the broom down and sit and stop it. You’re both adults. Geez.”

“I beg to differ, John.”

“She’s a witch, not an adult.”

“And you, Karkat, are a lawyer.”

“Fuck you!”

Karkat stopped and sat back on the sofa and Rose did the same. Taking the broom, John put it in the corner as Kanaya walked in.

“I was just assuring Mrs. Adell that the yelling would stop when it started again. What is going on?”

“I am the image of civil hospitality.” said Rose.

“And I have a fucking bad review.”

“Rose, stop this instigating.”

Rose smiled and poured herself a cup of tea.

“I hardly compare to a screaming infant.”

John sighed,

“We should probably go... I think everyone needs some space and some time to think.”

“A beer or three.” growled Karkat.

“Not for you.” said John, “Off the sauce until you... lay?”

“That should be about ten months.” said Kanaya, “depending on how far along he is already.”

“Ten whole months, huh.”

“Yes, but I am not sure how far along one is before signs become apparent.”

Gamzee shrugged as John and Karkat got up to leave.

“Thanks guys, I guess we’ll see you later.”

The three watched them leave silently in the living room. Gamzee ran his hand absently over his egg in the silence.

“We’re in for a show, aren’t we Kanaya?” said Rose.

Kanaya sighed.

“I believe that we are, Rose. I hope Karkat can handle it.”

“I think our little buddy will be just fine, sisters.”

Rose looked wryly over at Gamzee.

“How do you think you’re going to do?”

“Do what, little sister?”

“Raise this thing- parent it. How do you plan on proceeding?”

He shrugged.

“How does anyone else do it?”

Kanaya snorted.

“I believe he has you there, Rose.”

“Miracles,” said Rose, “Motherfucking miracles.”


End file.
